Why I Quit Being Nice

When I graduated from High school, a friend of mine came to me and said something which I think I could never forget. She said, “ Aravind, you’re such a nice person. I think if I had met the nicest person in this entire would, it would be you without any doubt. I've never heard anyone say a bad thing about you. Don’t ever change.”

(Because that’s the most said phrase when you depart)

To me honestly, it felt like the highest compliment anyone could ever get. I thought people love me for being nice and hence I told myself “being nice” is going to be my synonym. Forever.

I did my best to be the same.

I tried. And I was nice until one day, a painful realization came crashing over to me: niceness ain't everything.

For so many years I worked hard to be nice, trying to live up to what my friend had told about me. In one sense, it felt good and right and admirable to be the kind of person who never did a bad thing to anyone, and who never gave anyone reason to say a bad thing about me.

Most of us have learned that it’s good to be nice, that we should put others first, that we should always help them and have a reputable image in front of others. If you’re frequently seen as a nice person, this is probably the sign that you’ve internalized this way of thinking a bit too well.

I’m not against helping others or being kind. I do think however that many people take this too far and end up sacrificing their own needs in order to please others, thinking that this will solve everything in their lives. And unfortunately, that’s very far from the truth. Well that’s perks of being a wallflower.

This topic has recently started receiving serious attention in the world of psychology, where phenomena such as the nice girl or nice guy syndrome are now being studied vigilantly.

Years have passed. But what had changed?

Nothing.

Nothing? Really ?

Think about it. If you remain like a wallflower (read nice) you will ignore all the things around you.

I realized being “nice” wasn't doing for me what I wanted it to do.Being “nice” was preventing me from saying what I thought about things.

I wouldn't want that girl to feel like I was singling her out, or overstepping my bounds.I wouldn't want my friends to feel like I was rejecting them.

It prevented me, years later, from expressing political opinions or theological opinions or even opinions about where I wanted to eat dinner — which in turn prevented me from having authentic, meaningful relationships with people. In some cases, friends would beg me to say what I thought, but instead of being honest, I would mimic those around me, and then (of course) feel invisible.

"When you can’t tell the truth about yourself, you cease to exist as a person."

Trying to maintain my “nice guy” image I held me back from doing things I wish to do; to say things I meant to say; most importantly be who I want to be. I changed my perspective according to the group of people I was with.

“being nice is like a liquid, takes the shape it resides. Doesn’t have any identity other than being flexible.”

But you may wonder being flexible is an added advantage. Yes! Indeed. But not at the cost of your needs. It is that thin line between kindness and niceness. Your need is that thin line.

So then what is the solution?

Be kind. Not nice. Nice could be tormenting if you are in the wrong place with the wrong people. Nice, from my perspective is a strong sign of being weak.

 I think the quality my friend noticed in me on that last day of high school is an important one. I care about people, and want them to feel loved, noticed and important. But “niceness” as I defined it all those years was actually getting the way of what I was trying to accomplish. 

'Sometimes niceness isn't very kind at all'